I have to make a call today that I've been putting off for two weeks now. It's going to kill me to do it, and I know I'll end up in tears, but I have to call Ellen and tell her that I won't be able to have her attend Cab's birth.  Steve is all up in arms over the cost and refuses to consider a home birth anymore. I hate that money is the deciding factor in whether or not I get to feel safe during labor. I know I'll still have Amy by my side, and that's a huge relief, but as we get closer and closer to March I'm getting more and more anxious about setting foot inside Butler Memorial.  I'm sure it's not helping that my chances of being attended on by the midwife that I actually trust at maternal services have dropped to nil. I'm not sure if she's left the OB's practice entirely or is just not working with MS anymore. I'll be playing roulette with the remaining midwife (who's not awful by any means. I would have just felt more comfortable with the one who ran her own home birthing practice for many years) and the handful of doctors whom I've never met or even laid eyes on. Awesome health care system, Butler County.